Ah, Flails. Let's be real, folks. In the glorious, brutal world of Elden Ring, picking up a Flail is like choosing to fight a dragon with a soggy pool noodle. Everyone else is out there with their majestic katanas and colossal greatswords, and here I am, trying to look threatening while swinging what is essentially a mace on a very short leash. It's 2026, and after countless patches and DLCs, these things are still the black sheep of the armory. Most players give them a wide berth, and honestly? It's hard to blame them. Their range is so short I have to get uncomfortably intimate with every enemy, and their attack speed makes me feel like I'm moving in slow-mo. The signature weapon art, Spinning Chain, is about as useful as a chocolate teapot against most bosses nowadays. Sure, you can slap other Ashes of War on them, but that's like putting racing stripes on a shopping cart—it doesn't change the core experience.

Now, let's talk moveset, or should I say, the moveset. Because every single Flail shares the exact same one. Talk about a lack of imagination! The light attack is just you swinging the thing horizontally four times, hoping to connect. The heavy attack is a single, sad overhead bonk. It's so basic, it hurts. The roll attack? A quick poke into the dirt. The jump attack? Another downward strike. It's so repetitive, I started to zone out. The only saving grace is that dual-wielding them feels kinda okay if you want to play super aggressive, but even then, you're just doing the same boring moves twice as often. It's a real been there, done that situation.

Despite all this, in the spirit of being a completionist glutton for punishment, I went on a quest to find and test every Flail in the Lands Between. Here's my totally not scientific and very salty ranking from worst to... well, least-worst.

5. The Basic B**** Flail

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This is the one you find near the Gatefront Ruins, sitting in a cart like forgotten junk. It's often touted as an "early bleed weapon." Don't buy the hype. The bleed buildup is pathetic, and its scaling is so bad it makes me wanna cry. Spinning Chain on this thing is a joke post-patches. The only reason to use it is if you desperately want to roleplay as a medieval farmer who got lost on the way to the market. Verdict: It's a total noob trap.

4. Nightrider Flail

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Dropped by the spooky Night's Cavalry in the Weeping Peninsula. What's different from the basic Flail, you ask? Almost nothing! Same bleed, same useless Spinning Chain. Its one claim to fame is slightly better Dexterity scaling, but it demands 24 Dex. That's a huge investment for a weapon that still feels like you're hitting enemies with a wet sock. It's like choosing between a stale cracker and a slightly less stale cracker. Big yikes.

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This one drops from those guys with the pumpkin helmets. Surprise! It's another Spinning Chain clone. 😴 However, it has a C in Strength scaling by default, which is... something, I guess. The 18 Strength requirement is more reasonable than the Nightrider's Dex ask. Among the three basic bleed Flails, this is the cream of the crap. If you're dead set on using a standard Flail, this is your best bet for minimal suffering.

Flail Name Key Trait My Pain Rating
Basic Flail Early Bleed (It's a lie) 10/10 (Pain)
Nightrider Flail High Dex Requirement for No Reason 9/10
Chainlink Flail Least Bad Scaling 7/10

2. Family Heads

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Now we're talking! This is where things get interesting. You get this by beating Necromancer Garris behind an illusory wall (of course it is). It finally ditches Spinning Chain for a unique skill: Familial Rancor. It shoots homing ghost skulls! How cool is that? It also scales with Intelligence, making it a weirdo hybrid weapon. It doesn't have bleed, but who cares? You're launching spooky projectiles! It's not amazing, but it has personality. Using it made me feel like a proper spell-flinger, even if the actual flail part still whiffed constantly. A for effort!

1. Bastard's Stars

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The crown jewel of disappointment! You craft this from the remembrance of Astel, a stellar boss. It looks incredible—a tiny galaxy on a chain. Its weapon art, Nebula, creates a beautiful exploding cloud of stars behind you. The problem? You have to be facing away from the enemy to hit them with it. The hitbox is weirder than Patches' morals. Its physical damage is laughable. There's another weapon, Wing of Astel, that uses Nebula way better. But... if you're doing a Flails Only challenge run (you masochist, you), this is your go-to. It's the most unique, and the art is pretty. It's the best of a bad bunch, the shiniest turd in the yard. It proves that even in this neglected weapon class, FromSoftware can create something visually stunning, if not entirely practical.

So, what's the takeaway from my flail-ful journey? 😂

  • They're a novelty act. Perfect for when you've beaten the game ten times and want a new way to suffer.

  • Range is a myth. Prepare to hug every enemy in the game.

  • Spinning Chain needs a buff. Like, seriously, FromSoft, throw us a bone here.

  • The unique ones are fun for about five minutes. Then you remember there are better weapons.

In the end, wielding a Flail in Elden Ring is an exercise in humility and patience. You won't feel powerful, you'll feel silly. But maybe, just maybe, that's the point. Or maybe they just forgot to balance them. You decide! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going back to my trusty greatsword. My flailing days are over. Peace out! ✌️